The Daily Nooz

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:10:00 +0000

Here's the news, just the way you like it. Fun. Quirky. Short. Now made with 100% genuine information!

Our Mission Statement: Create Wonderful Things. Be Nice. Dominate World Media.

Come back soon! We'll leave the light on. Oh and one more thing. Unlike the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times and USA Today, no trees were harmed in the making of this product.

Post-it Notes stop motion video

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 05:12:00 +0000

Sign of the Apocalypse: Lil' Bill O'Reilly

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:12:00 +0000

Where on Earth did Lil' Bill O'Reilly come from? We're quite not sure, but whether you love or hate Bill O'Reilly, you have to admire a kid who can deliver the following line completely deadpan:

"Go drive your electric cars into the ocean! I hope you hit a whale on your way to France!"

Here's the link on YouTube.

Rich guys' memo to poor folks: Time to pay up

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 18:47:00 +0000

“I listened to President Bush’s speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess, and they’re too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?

“As far as this whole $700 billion thing is concerned, they keep saying, “We have to act now. We have to act now.” This is like a bad TV offer. “Just 10 easy payments of $70 billion each. Operators are standing by, but you have to act now!”

Jay Leno

Annette and the Gang at 80: Texting acronyms for the elderly

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 18:44:00 +0000

From mcsweeneys.net comes “New Texting Acronyms for the Elderly.”

BIMD: Back in my day
ROFLACGU: Rolling on the floor laughing and can't get up

More here.

Ricky Gervais at the Emmys

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:18:00 +0000

Ricky Gervais vs. Steve Carell at the 2008 Emmys. So fine.

Bill Hader's The Line

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 03:33:00 +0000

The Line is a series of seven shorts starring Saturday Night Live regular Bill Hader as a geek who meets his buddy outside a movie theater. They plan to camp out 11 days before a movie opening. Get your duct tape and sleeping bag ready for Episode 1.

The Aspen Center for Real Estate Amnesia

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 03:40:00 +0000

Little is more tragic than purchasing a vacation home or two or three and then forgetting that you have them. Luckily, there's help. NPR Humorist Brian Unger introduces us to a new service that offers hope for those suffering from REA or Real Estate Amnesia.

Simon's Cat trilogy

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 18:42:00 +0000

Some of the best Web humor can be found in vignettes by Simon Tofield, an animation director at Tandem Films. His Simon's Cat series depicts the comical nature of man and beast living together. At Tandem's YouTube channel, see the original Simon's Cat trilogy on demand: Cat Man Do, Let Me In and TV Dinner.

Synchronized office swimming

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 01:48:00 +0000

Not an Olympic sport yet, but still.

Scientific researcher discovers world's shortest joke

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 01:56:00 +0000

Pretentious? Moi?

-- Jim Holt, author of "Stop Me If You've Heard This: A History and Philosophy of Jokes," discussing what may be the shortest possible joke, in Wired magazine.

Great Moments in Cyberspace: Pixeloo "untoons" Jessica, Homer, Stewie

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:05:00 +0000

Pixeloo’s "untoon"-ing of cartoon characters, basically turning cartoons into "real" people, includes amazing portraits of Jessica Rabbit, Homer Simpson, Mario the Plumber and Stewie. Link

Postcardsfromyomomma.com

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:27:00 +0000

Postcards from yo momma is a collection of snippets from yo momma's forays into the world of e-mail and IM. Some samples:

"I thought you said you weren’t a good candidate for a tattoo because of the way you scar? I really am opposed to tattoos. I guess as your Mom I should keep my mouth shut. But, you can’t wash them off and they are always there and I don’t think they send positive messages or images. Plus, just about every criminal has them. Painful also. don’t do it don’t do don’t do it…….waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

.........

"Hi sweetie. Do you know how to google yourself? I heard on the radio that people can google themselves. I've done a lot of things to myself before, but I've never googled myself."

.........

"Joan and I are starting a club called The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club... Your stepfather is making fun of us but I think he’s just petty and jealous. I finally told him to shut up. That’s what GAW do when they are confronted with negativity. One of our field trips is going to be on a Saturday and we’re going to find those Red Hat Ladies and shove them down. They’re ridiculous and need to be eliminated."

Numnah vs. numnut at the National Spelling Bee

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sat, 31 May 2008 05:35:00 +0000

High comedy at the National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C.

Ignorance is Blitz: Mangled Moments of History from Actual College Students

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Fri, 30 May 2008 05:31:00 +0000

Anders Henriksson, chairman of the history department at Shepherd University in West Virginia, has compiled a book of the funniest history ever written. He maintains that all passages in the book are from real student prose collected over 30 years. Some excerpts from "Ignorance Is Blitz: Mangled Moments of History from Actual College Students" (Workman Publishing, $6.95):

"During the Dark Ages, it was mostly Dark."

"The Ancient Greeks founded the Olympics in about 1896."

"Cesar was assassinated on the Yikes of March when he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus!'"

"The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named 'Yahoo.'"

"Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs."

"Fryers were required to take a vow of pottery."

"Without the discovery of the flying buttock it would have been an impossible job to built the Gothic cathedral."

"The major cause of the Civil War was when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West."

"Germany's William II had a chimp on his shoulder."

"President of England at this time was Nebble Chamberman, who appeared in videos as a man with a boulder hat."

"Stalin, Roosevelt, Churchill, and Truman were known as the 'Big Three.'"

"Martin Luther Junior achieved fame for his 'If I Had a Hammer' speech."

"Children born to Europeans and Asians were known as Euthanasians, a situation that troubled them for life."

"Religion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such as Herod, Mars and Juice. Persepolis was god of vegetables. Souls were believed to spend the "here, there and after" in Ethiopia."

"Ferdinand and Isabella conquered Granola."

Anne knew that two of her words were going to be regret and wedding

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sun, 25 May 2008 16:23:00 +0000

Readers at salon.com's Table Talk were asked to sum up their lives in six words or less. Some of our favorites:

"They don't hear unless I yell."

"Broke. Payday. Broke. Payday. Broke. Payday...."

"Does not work up to potential."

"I never learned how to swashbuckle."

"Pizza. Donuts. Milkshake. Salad. Weight Watchers."

"Oh, no, not again. Again. Again."

"Fire. Wind. Water. Exorbitant insurance premiums."

I'll make the same mistake twice.

To be, then, not to be.

Birth, childhood, adolescence, adolescence, adolescence, adolescence

You couldn't make this stuff up.

Formula, juice boxes, diet coke, vodka.

Life is hard. Rigor mortis, harder.

I wish them every unhappiness. Still.

Love my office; especially the door.

Lacking in enthusiasm for physical labor.

Life: longest thing you'll ever do

Life: only thing you'll ever do

Brooke White Stops and Starts the Classics

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:29:00 +0000

If you watch American Idol you will appreciate the humor of this pretend CD, "Brooke White Stops and Starts the Classics."

Washington Post Peeps Show

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:37:00 +0000

In honor of Easter, a "bounty of mallow" in The Washington Post's Peeps Show II "came not like locusts but like meteors of great ambition and, yes, some arts-and-crafts psychosis."

Great Moments in Cyberspace: Amy Walker's 21 Accents

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 04:30:00 +0000

The two-and-a-half-minute video “21 Accents,” by aspiring actress Amy Walker of Seattle, ranges from Cockney to Southern Belle to 1940s-era Transatlantic. Nice.

Great Moments in Cyberspace: Daft Punk's Daft Hands Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 04:30:00 +0000

Daft Hands succeeds on the dexterity of one man's impressive hand jive performed to the tune Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by French duo Daft Punk. The song title references a line from the intro to the '70s TV show The Six Million Dollar Man and it's sampled in Kanye West's new album.

You're So Veiny and other Songs about Cannibalism

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 05:48:00 +0000

From the comedy geniuses at topfive.com comes the top songs about cannibalism:

1. Wok Me Gently
2. It's My Donner Party (and I'll Fry If I Want To)
3. Peggy Stew
4. Shake 'n Bakey Heart
5. Lucy in a Pie With Almonds
6. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Carbonara
7. MMMBob
8. Bake Up Little Suzy
9. The Salad of John and Yoko
10. Got to Get You Into My Rice
11. Footjuice
12. You Ain't Nothin' But a Corndog
13. Do You Know the Way to Blanche Jose?
14. All My Exes (Are in Mixes)
15. Killing Me Softly With His Tongs

The Onion's Sunday Magazine

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 14:22:00 +0000

All cover, no content, at The Onion's weekly magazine.

LOL cats: Bigger, badder, fatter than ever

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 14:44:00 +0000

icanhascheezburger.com iz gold standerd of lol catz, in r opinyun.

Style Invitational strikes again

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 05:34:00 +0000

The Washington Post Style Invitation recently asked it readers for "life lessons" that might be learned at any of four specified venues or situations. Some of our favorites:

On the pot:

It's only when you get to the end of the roll that you realize just how little toilet paper you really need. (Art Grinath)

There exists an almost metaphysical relationship between the toilet seat and the doorbell. (Bob Dalton)

The guy in the next stall almost never wants to do knock-knock jokes. (Jeff Brechlin)

Lessons learned at the supermarket:

Fruit-and-vegetable shoppers can be really rude, especially toward jugglers. (Bob Dalton)

Never eat anything that has to have "food" in its name. (Kevin Dopart)

At the DMV:

There are an infinite number of ways to pronounce foreigners' names, apparently none of them recognizable to the holders of those names. (Peter Metrinko)

From watching a presidential campaign debate:

If you can't say something nice about someone, compensate by saying bad stuff over and over. (Howard Walderman)

Bureauofcommunication.com

dailynooz1@yahoo.com (Nooz Factory) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:29:00 +0000

Trouble putting your grievances, apologies, requests for compensation and declarations of romantic intent into words? The Bureau of Communication to the rescue.